Sometimes something hits you that is totally unrelated to what you’re reading! I have a lot of unforgiven sin. I know I’ve asked for forgiveness, but it still hurts. The fact that I can do nothing to make up for it really eats at me!
I guess that’s the point! We can’t do anything. That’s all You! But how come, years later, it still bugs me. Forgiveness does not mean forgetness. And I guess I’m glad it doesn’t. It helps me to not do it again.
And the feeling of guilt…..that may never leave.
Some of the stuff you do does not make sense. Some of it makes perfect sense, but....Circumcision? Walking around walls for 40 days? Giving the "bad" son the fattened calf?
In my mind, if I have no pop of junk food it means I am going to have a bad day. (I know, that thinking is totally wack!). I can not even fathom how going a day or month or 50 days without pop could make it better. (As I'm typing this, I really am starting to realize that I have mental problems.). My perfect world is any day when I go out to eat with fountain beverages. (Wow! That really is what I look forward to!).
But, You say, "If you want to have life, lose it." I feel like You mean not only in heaven but now. We don't even think about ourselves, our wants, our needs, what will make us happy. We think of others. We focus on what we can do to make John 10:10 come alive. That's when we experience joy, or better yet, that's....Wait! Maybe that's part of the problem, I am only worried about what is going to give me joy.
What about others? What about what is going to give the community joy? Am I a better person for the community this way? And do I even have to be this way?
Heck, look at yesterday. I gave up three hours of my life.....for some hermit crabs!!!!! That's pretty cool! I finished my letter to Sof. I didn't worry about when I would get home or when I'd be able to relax, I just focused on others.
Maybe there is something here. And maybe my thinking just started to make more sense.
I think I am starting to get it. It was the parable of the guy who sits either at the best spot at the table or the worst. I am a best spot type of guy - not that I put myself in places to get recognition. Oh wait, that's exactly what I do!
I like to do things the way I want to do them. Why? Part of it is that I want the credit. I want people to see how smart I am, how creative, how much value I have. I really have a hard time letting other people make decisions and just going with them. I don't trust them, which in turn means I don't trust God.
Is that too strong of a statement? I don't think so. A lot of the things I get frustrated about are really just because I won't get the credit, and that all goes back to worth. I feel like I have to prove myself, like if people don't see the great things I do, the incredible things I come up with, they won't value me. Well, the truth is that for 54 years I've had that mindset, and it's not working.
I get frustrated when I don't get my way. There are not a lot of people in awe of me. And I think I'm missing out on a lot of peace and joy You want me to have through trust. Really, that is what it comes down to. I don't trust God.
Today we start HARD 50! I'm going on the theory that the Israelites went 40 years without wine or bread so that they could know You. What I'm really interested to see is if I have more joy, more peace, am more of a witness - really if John 10:10 becomes more alive not through pop and junk food but just trusting in You for all of those things.
Side note: I still think Moses was ripped off, but he was 120 and everything worked, so he had a pretty good life.
Side note #2: Smart move by that lady who hid the spies.
Side note #3: You really did motivate with fear back in the day. Those people were scared to death of what You could do.
Side note #4: OK, I've got nothing else.
It's hard to believe it's been a year without Fred. It's also hard to believe that in a year it has become so hard to remember what life was like with Fred. I mean, we had him for what, 9 years? What did we do when we were in the house? I know he would sit on the top of the couch and look out the window. Every now and then we would throw the ball and he would sprint to the kitchen. We went on A LOT of walks and toured a lot of forest preserves. He went to the city, went on a lot of car rides, spent a good number of days at Madison, but I don't have a lot of memories or even feelings or what it was like when he was here.
I know I cried the most I ever have on the day when we put him down. I know I even got a little choked up when I thought about him today. I know I would pet him while watching games on my lap top. And I know I loved having him with our family. But why?
In his early years, he would always greet me at the door. And he definitely had a lot of personality, but it's hard to really sum up what having him around the house meant to me. I can remember not liking to take him out in the rain and really cold. I can remember him barking at everyone who came to the door. I can remember him using our carpet as a Port-O-Potty. I can remember a lot of the things that I say are nice about not having a dog.
But, it's been a year, and the only reason I can think to get another dog is so they don't have to live in the shelter.
I know I loved having a dog though. I just can't remember why. Sorry Fred.
The Israelites went 40 years without bread and wine. That's like me going 40 years without bread and pop. 40 years! That's a long time! And for me, those are the two things I look most forward to - food and drink. Why did God do that?
Well, He tells them. So, they would know He was God! Uh-oh! I know God promises life to the full. Heck, my life verse is John 10:10. But, do I trust Him to give me life to the full? Or do I trust pop and fast food?
Today, I have a decision to make. Will I go to Speedway to get a pop? My brain has been doing some weird things - I've got foggy pop brain. And I was really looking forward to getting that pop this morning. But, is this a test for God and am I going to give up pop forever?
What should I do here? Is this an overreaction? Is this something that doesn't really matter. I know the Israelites complained because their bread was unleavened and they had the same thing to eat every day. I've never really thought about it, but I probably would have complained too. I love food.
But, God did not like that. Is this really something You are concerned about? And how sad is it that this is the thing that I have thought the most about in a long time?
Martha vs. Mary. Doing stuff vs Just Hanging out with Jesus. Preparing vs Listening.
I am good at doing nothing. I wouldn't say I am listening to You or even hanging out with You, but I do love to just sit around. Back about ten years ago, I would never do that. I had to be doing something constantly - was always busy. But, as I've gotten older and maybe wiser, I've realized that the soul does need a little rest.
Now, I am adamant about the Sabbath. Now, I have no problem just sitting on my couch and watching something dumb.
Is this what You were talking about? I am not sure. Mary was listening to You. Mary was spending time with You. Would You consider what I am doing that? I don't think so.
But, I will say that I have a much healthier view of who I am. My worth is not determined by the amount of things that I do in a day. If I rest, it is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of wisdom. Yes, there has to be a balance, and I know that there are times when I'm on the wrong side of that, but I'd much rather be where I am today than where I was ten years ago.
Just like Father Matt said, "You make life too complicated." Just do what it says.
Today is Good Friday. We "celebrate" You being willing to go to the cross. You, God, the Creator of everything, You suffered a brutal death. More than that, You left perfection to hang out with us and then made the ultimate sacrifice. How do we respond to that?
Simple. "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." Just do what You did. Don't think about ourselves, pick up whatever cross is put in front of us, and follow You.
Today was the Kingdom of God is a Party verses! It literally said to take a tenth of what you have and throw a party. Invite the poor, make sure everyone eats, but do it where the Lord asks you to. Then, it goes even further, and says every seven years should be that kind of party - but everyone brings a tenth. Everyone!
In The Kingdom, everyone has enough. People celebrate, help each other out and provide for one another. That is God's plan - life to the full! For everyone! Sounds pretty good.
The only problem is that not everyone follows God's plan. I think that is why a lot of the stuff in the Old Testament was the way it was. God had to test people to see where their heart was - where their loyalty lied. He gave them all these rules to see if they would trust Him. He punishes those who don't follow to try to bring The Kingdom.
See, in His plan, no one is poor. Everyone has enough, and everyone has life to the full. But, that will never happen - not in this world. However, I can't wait to see what it looks like in reality!
